5am-dream

I dreamt about something but I cannot remember the details. Everything was in blur and all I know was the emotions in it. It felt heavy. It felt exhausting. It felt.. familiar. It was the feeling when I felt like screaming because I cannot contain the situation anymore.

Then I realized, that was what i am feeling right now, at this very phase of my life. You, turning your back on me and I, cannot accept that this is the reality.

I remembered that I had the same dream (but that was when we were still happy together), I cried while asleep and you heard every gasp that I released. You quickly woke me up, shook me so I will come into my senses. I iterated what happened in my dream. You looked at me as if I am saying senseless things so you hugged me tight, caged me into your arms, kissed me and whispered in my ear that its not going to happen because you loved me so much and you will not leave me. I felt safe and secured that time, I was relieved that it was just a fucking dream. And you were there holding me so tight in reality.

But this morning, I woke up crying. You did not even open your eyes to check on me. I held your arms and sobbed, but nothing. Nobody whispered that I will not be left ,that its not going to happen. All I heard was my thoughts saying that I must stop from hoping that you still love me. That I must let go for I am only hurting. That I cannot be with you and that you don’t love me anymore.

The tears were only meant for the bad dream but as I think through of those thoughts, the tears became the result of the fact that you dont love me.

It hurts. It pierces my heart. I am gasping. Not only in dreams but also in reality.

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